I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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