Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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