My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
