so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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