I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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