so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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