Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
