Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
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