dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
