I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
