My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Randomize
