i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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