Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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