Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
