Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
