when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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