My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
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