found the other keg... it's in the tree
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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