remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Small penises have feelings too.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Randomize
