there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
