My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
