I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
