Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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