you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
