I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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