i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
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