i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
