I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
