I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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