I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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