Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
