Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
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