Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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