Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
