the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
