i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Randomize
