I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
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He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
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I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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