I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
