I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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