I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
