The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
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