Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.