i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
17 Women That Lost Condoms Up Their Lady Parts
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
23 People Confess The Most F*cked Up Thing Guests Have Done In Their House
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage