I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in