I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
3 2 1 whiskey
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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