did you get engaged???
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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