when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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