I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Randomize
