i wish starbucks made bloody marys
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize