i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize