My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
