I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
