hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
