Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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