took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
just tell him i said nine months
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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