she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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