hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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