this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
