Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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