If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
