i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
